- 2 days ago
"Feminism" doesn’t mean "women before men" or "women over men" or "the joy we take in hating men". Get it together.
- 2 days ago
- 3 days ago
Source: ‘Hot Lips with Ryan Houlihan’
1. Your roommate isn’t a terrible person. All people are terrible and you generally only find out when they’re your roommate, which is to say that everyone has flaws, and when you get up close to people you have to expect to see them. And don’t hate them for it because they’re seeing the exact same flaws in you.
2. Open positions at work will always be offered to your boss’ nephew first. Make your own opportunities because nobody wants to hand them to you, because if they did they would have a long time ago. So make your own opportunities. And just because someone doesn’t want to hand you opportunities doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of them. It means that their sister and her shitty kid have been begging them for years to get him an internship.
3. Santa Claus is not real but it brings joy to children around the world, so as long as nobody is forcing you to buy any gifts for their kid just let them believe it. Extend this general principle to all religions. If it makes people happy it doesn’t matter how silly they look. Honestly, I don’t believe in any of it. I don’t have any spiritual beliefs. What I do believe is that it makes a lot of people very happy, so just let them do it. And if they’re in the right and we’re in the wrong … oh well. Try to be a good person and in general their God will forgive you.
4. If you’re not being honest with yourself and the world you will end up like John Travolta and nobody wants that. I think this is fairly self-explanatory. John Travolta, who is wearing a fake piece of hair on his face and head, is a very sad seeming person. Don’t end up like him, just be honest about who you are and what you want.
5. Sometimes you should watch a Netflix documentary that you don’t have any interest in because trying new things is important and you’ll find stuff out and honestly, who knows, maybe competitive eating is your next great hobby.
6. The only things in life you should pursue are wisdom and healthy relationships because before Alzheimer’s the only thing nobody can take away from you is knowledge and experience and after Alzheimer’s you’re gonna need people to like you.
7. It doesn’t matter how much smarter you are than your peers if they finish projects and you don’t. For example, Ann Coulter has published dozens of works and I have not published any.
8. Everything in moderation, especially fashion.
9. "Everything causes cancer" is not an excuse for poor planning. You shouldn’t eat sugar. You should not go in the sun without sunscreen and covering up. You shouldn’t eat preservatives. You shouldn’t get drunk all the time. You shouldn’t smoke. We know these things. I’m not saying don’t live your life, I’m saying don’t do things you know are going to cause problems.
10. People in L.A. are far less intelligent than people in New York City on average but they also look much better than us and they’re much happier. This is a “chicken and egg” problem. It’s not technically a piece of advice but it’s just a statement that is true. So I don’t know if living in L.A. makes you better looking and happier or if the kind of people who go to L.A. are better looking and happier. I also know that people in L.A. are dumber than people in New York so there might be some correlation there. I’m not saying you’re dumb if you’re listening to this in L.A., it’s just that most of the people you know are.
11. Don’t over-manicure your eyebrows because they will never grow back correctly, ever, even if you’re a man, even if you’re just plucking a little bit. Use restraint, because oftentimes a lot less is a lot more. Just pluck the hairs that are farther away from the eye, that aren’t part of the actual brow. If it’s part of your actual brow go to a professional and pay a lot of money and then … continue to do that. Or accept the fact that your eyebrows are a certain way. This extends to plastic surgery: Do not go to Tijuana for your tummy tuck. Don’t get a cheap boob job you saw advertised on the subway. Less is more. Pad your bra. It will do a lot more for you than having boobs made of titanium that you have to have replaced every two years. I’m telling you this from experience, my eyebrows have never been the same.
12. Do not get stuck going in circles while climbing up Mazalith’s Pyramid. If you have enough food or money or whatever level of that pyramid of needs you’re at, keep going forward, don’t go in circles. That’s how people get sad.
13. Everything is a scam, unless you are the one doing the scamming, and then only occasionally. Facebook is a scam. Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons are scams. Credit cards are scams. These people want to make money off of you, not help you out, no matter what they say. Use a credit card for bills when you have the cash to pay or in an emergency situation, and otherwise, do not use a credit card. Nobody is giving you a credit card thinking “Well that will enhance their life.” They’re thinking “Well that’ll make me a ton of money from someone with no self restraint.”
14. Insurance is a broken system that rewards the wealthy at the expense of those in need but until we have a fucking violent revolution you should probably go get some because you’re gonna need it and it’s better than the alternative.
15. Do not get plastic surgery to look like a celebrity because it does not work. In fact, don’t attempt to be any of the people you look up to, because you will fall spectacularly short. Remember this as a general guideline: Lady Gaga’s best work is when she isn’t trying to be Madonna and we all know that to be true.
16. The Spice Girls are incredibly important and fun to listen to but you should also browse for new artists on Spotify. Which is to say nostalgia is great for listicles but don’t assume that your childhood is the status quo to which we will or should be turning.
17. The other side of that is that scrunchies are popular again and overalls are popular again and probably fake tans and deep fried hair and Crocs will be popular again in ten years, so don’t throw out your shitty, ugly, weird jeans you bought in 2005.
18. Wisdom and maturity have absolutely nothing to do with age and everything to do with making tough decisions, being observant of their outcomes and coming to, sometimes, very unintuitive conclusions.
19. If you have a full face, make your hair higher. It worked for Demi Lovato and it will work for you.
20. If you’re at an “all you can eat” buffet, use very small plates because variety is the spice of life.
21. Go to the doctor for very minor ailments that you can’t explain. If you have bruises that you don’t remember getting, if your fingernails are falling off, if suddenly you have weird splotches on your skin and you didn’t touch any poison ivy, go to the doctor. Do not wait two weeks because that is how every single episode on the Discovery Health Channel begins. And you do not want to be an episode on the Discovery Health Channel.
22. Do not spend more than 40 minutes on your appearance every day because bathroom time is a game of diminishing returns.
23. Azealia Banks’ album will never come out and if it does it will never be a success because unless you work in the fashion or oil industry, how you treat people is more important than anything else you do.
24. There is no excuse for not knowing something available to you on the first page of Google results and you will have no sympathy from me if you didn’t even try.
25. Sometimes Glee will joke about how bad of a show it is … this does not make it a better show because self-awareness of flaws does not excuse your flaws. In fact, it makes them even more reprehensible. If you know you’re doing something that bothers people, don’t do it, and don’t you dare joke about how “I’m such a catty person, I’m just honest!” No, you’re a bitch.
- 3 days ago
- 3 days ago
EPISODE 12: Half A Love Story
The rascally Joey Gilmore is here to tell you all about his childhood affection for Jodie Sweetin and why Half A Love Story is a wildly inaccurate representation of how a local news station operates. As a former teen traffic reporter he knows what he’s Goddamn talking about! We also discuss how Uncle Jesse’s sexuality makes him a ticking time bomb and why King Kong Bundy wants to eat all of your meat. Spoiler: Dude just wants to eat all of the meat. He’s not a complicated guy!
Love us on iTunes with a five star review! Love us on our Facebook page! Just love us, for crying in a bucket!